Toon fans have no sense of humour - you're having a laugh
So Newcastle United are officially a laughing stock then, we are the biggest joke in football and our fans have no right to demand success, trophies or even aspire to top four place?
Once again our friends in the south have given it to Newcastle United fans with both barrels even though none of the current mess has much to do with them, most of the stick flying around stems from the appointment of one of London's favourite sons Dennis Wise being appointed back in January.
Now though with outsiders - a lot of them who probably don't stray beyond Jeff Stelling, Charlie Nicholas and Paul Merson on a Saurday - having a good old go at Newcastle, perhaps as a moment of light relief it's worth taking a LIGHT HEARTED (well you have to laugh at yourself don't you?) look at why most other football clubs are just as bad.
Why the Toon aren't the only jokers in the Premier League - at a glance.
In current Premier League order
Chelsea - Even Dennis Wise called this lot an "egg and chips club" before the Roman Abramovich era, sure they've won the title a couple of times - but they managed to blow it in Moscow and got rid of the only man who came anywhere near breaking up Manchester United's monopoly in the Premier League in Jose Mourinho before crying on the telly when he left, anyone remember the "Bring back Jose" banners outside the Shed End not so long ago?
Liverpool - They've had plenty to shout about in terms of winning cups and nobody can dispute that. But they bitterly moaned when they were too tight to bring back Michael Owen in 2005 and shamefully booed the little England striker when he returned to the Kop the following Boxing Day despite his 118 goals for the club. Also fans were captured on TV burning Steven Gerrard's shirt when he was considering quitting the club. Calm down, calm down.
Arsenal - Have a successful director of football system in place at the Emirates library that has not won a trophy for four seasons. Quiet fans and they lost the plot live on TV when Newcastle beat them 3-1 back in 2001 when Martin Keown and Thierry Henry showed what great losers they were - far cry from the FA Cup final in 1998 when Toon fans sportingly applauded them up the Wembley steps to lift the trophy, before chanting "Cheer up if you've won the cup."
Aston Villa - Probably a more tolerable bunch in the Premier League, have assembled a good team this season. But have had plenty years in the top flight when there were empty seats left, right and centre.
Hull City - Welcome to the Premier League - what kept you?
Man City - Most Toon fans could quite happily have a pint with City fans as they have been in the same boat down the years. They haven't won nowt since they beat us in the 1976 League Cup, but a string of failed "new eras" and a tour of the Championship and League One (Macclesfield away lads?) have taken place in the last two years while Newcastle maintained their proud place in the top flight.
Fulham - Hang their scarves up after the match where they usually lie dormant until the next home game, football in this area of London is merely a pastime rather than a way of life, nuff said.
West Ham - Perhaps we shouldn't complain too much, they did take Kieron Dyer and Lee Bowyer off our hands.
Middlesbrough - Empty red seats and used to ground share with Hartlepool.
Portsmouth - Great fans who back their team, terrible stadium and years in the wilderness before recent success not to mention living in the shadow of mighty Southampton proves it hasn't always been sweetness and light down in Pompey.
Everton - The Merseyside mackems are similar to the fans at Man City, one of the few places Toon fans can safely enjoy a pre-match pint with opposing fans the way football should be. Mind you despite their great tradition of trophies, titles and European nights the team on the other side of Stanley Park have an Indian sign on them.
Wigan - The land of rugby league and pies took their time to get into the Premier League but other than signing Titus Bramble and watching their pitch get wrecked from rugby matches towards the end of each season, they spent plenty of years in the lower league circles. United's record at the JJB is woeful but due to the contrasting fortunes of the teams Newcastle never visited their former home at Springfield Park in a League game and after seeing a clip of Sunderland fans at the venue sliding down the grass bank behind the goal, that's got to be a good thing.
Bolton Wanderers - Once had a supermarket restricting the view of a corner flag at Burnden Park which was funny enough, but pumping long balls into the box of opponents using ProZone became a joke that left us laughing on the other side of our faces under Big Sam.
Man United - Their fans went hysterical at the prospect of Malcom Glazer taking over the club and some of them even disappeared to that well known football outpost in Bury to watch FC United.
Some of them re-appeared with their tails between their legs after the Yanks took over at Old Trafford when they continued winning and it's hard to believe that the rest of them were watching DVDs of big games against Leigh Genesis or Prescot Cables while they were beating Chelsea in the Champions League final. A confused bunch underlined by the buses from Torquay, Ebbsfleet and Wrexham that turn up at Old Trafford for home games.
West Brom - Plenty of years plouging through the lower divisions and for Hereford United at Newcastle read Woking and Tim Buzaglo for the Baggies. Boing Boing.
Sunderland - Worst team in Premier League history with 15 points (until Derby last season). Third Division champions 1987/88. Eric Gates.
Blackburn Rovers - Empty seats and without Geordie boy Alan Shearer in 1995 they wouldn't have won the title, clutching at straws maybe but without Geordie boy Graham Fenton, maybe we'd have won the title a year later.
Stoke - See Hull
Tottenham - Bottom of the table and after living in the shadow of Arsenal, Spurs fans are renowned for turning up at White Hart Lane for the Sky cameras whenever there is a managerial crisis.
They've had plenty of practice too. Jol, Santini, Hoddle, Graham, Gross, Francis and Ardiles - take your pick!
Failed to make the cut: Leeds, Wolves, Derby, Leicester...and any other team that would love to have been a Premier League side for the last 16 seasons!
They say that people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but the glass in our house was smashed long ago!
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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Lee Ryder - Proudly born and bred on Tyneside, the Chronicle's chief sports writer has followed the fortunes of the club over the last three decades as a Toon fan and football writer.
Go on Lee son...!! Vent like you've never vented before!
Nice try Lee, but I can't think of any other club that causes as much self-inflicted pain as NUFC! As for the mackems and Eric Gates, I wasn't laughing the night they beat us in the play-offs!
Still, onwards and upwards eh...
Ryder's reply: Is this the mandatory mackem post?
One freezing cold winter's night when big jock Roy Aitken was captain, at an approx. 17,000 gate at St. James' Park, and getting beat. Mark ? a blonde-haired young left back almost gave the ball away near his penalty area to which the small crowd groaned quietly. In the virtual eerie silent atmosphere that night, we all plainly heard big Roy scream, ' Et wiz ee guid boll son ', to which one loud mouthed wag in the crowd shouted, ' See you Jimmy.' The whole place erupted into howls of laughter, including big Roy, you really had to be there, ask Gibbo. Or the time we were getting beaten by Forest on another freezing night when a dog ran onto the pitch to chants of SUPER-DOG, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP...SUPER-DOG, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP. Then Forest's , Laurie Cunningham got the ball and the dog started chasing the ball at his feet and got it away from him with it's nose, at which point the crowd were rapturous. The ref blew his whistle as no-one could get the ball off Superdog. Laurie Cunningham rugby tackled the dog unsuccessfully and the whole ground erupted into, ' Superdog bite the w-g...' and the whole ground, including players, ref and even good sport Cunningham fell about laughing and he even clapped the humour of the geordies. That language wasn't regarded in the same light of today of course but again, you had to be there. Sense of humour? Without a sense of humour through those dark times, we wouldn't have made it to the Keegan/Hall rennaisence.
Ryder's reply: I don't need to ask Gibbo about watching Mark Stimson, having witnessed the floppy haired Londoner's performances at first hand from the terraces, it kind of leaves psychological scars. Scored a blinder against Derby County in the FA Cup past Shilton though.
What do you think? What I think is that you're trying to deflect attention elsewhere. We are in a lousy position and no amount of drummed up dislike for the rest of the league or, for that matter, hyperbole about some of players who don't deserve it, takes away from that. I don't particularly get worked up about other clubs and I;'m not petty enough to descend to the level of their supporters and the occasional 'journalist' who put ours down. We should reply to them on the field of play - and fairly, at that.
A fine effort Lee. How dare eveybody else be parochial except us. No doubt you'll now be subject to column inches from the Metropolitan media bemoaning how out of touch you are up here in the North. The utter nonsense and bigotry espoused by idiots such as Matthew Syed in The Times this week does more to emphasise what an idiot he is rather than how foolish or mentally displaced we are. I daresay you are on the way to the dentist to have your tongue removed from your cheek?
Comment from Ronnie Lambert is hilarious, my stomach hurts I have laughed that much. What memories.
Nothing like being bitter but no matter what you say we are a laughing stock! Souness was right we have 20,000 fans and 35,000 customers!
As for slagging off those down the road at least get your facts right.
You can't deflect the fact that we are a laughing stock and to be honest I think relegation would be the big wake up call our club needs.
Haway man Lee, let us be top at something other than the league for "best fans in the land"!!
And nah, my last post wasn't a "mandatory mackem" one! Seeing them get 15 points was sheer bliss (shame that Derby were hell-bent on beating the record last season!), but Eric Gates, apart from looking like a troll, was a canny little player (except when he was scoring against us!).
Ryder's reply: Yes Derby did relieve them of the title, also pointed out by almost 1,000 Sunderland fans on the Blog tonight.
Hi Lee,
I hope today with no news updates on the takeover, that no news is good news and MA i hope is having professional discussions with someone and not having drinks where everyone and hios granny can see what he is doing.
Its funny i have lost my job with Ben Jerrys in the USA and the situation in toon has taken my mind off unemployment...
All the best to you and Alan Oliver.
Andrew
I particularly like the points about Chelsea, Man Utd, Spurs & Liverpool, Lee.
Shack was right How not to run a football club by Newcastle unt.
no change in 50yrs
jim
Who says everyone across the UK is laughing at Newcastle Football Club and its supporters apart from the usual banter from thoase aligned to other Premiership clubs and and London based journalists
I have detected envy and fear.
Other supporters outside of this region envy the community solidarity which extends beyond football clubs into every household and business in the North East.
Those involved in making fortunes out of Premiership football are also afraid of fan power. What really frightened them was not the the front line troops making noise outside the stadium but the way row upon row of the customers who usually applaud rather than shout and sing stood up to salute the banner as it was taken round the stadium.
There was a time when the majority of north east folk did the dirty industrial work for the south, provided, along with Merseyside and Scotland the core of the infantry brigades in timess of war and accepted a standard of education, culture and general living dictated by London and the south east, but me thinks no more. That was the real message of what happened inside Newcastle Stadium last Saturday. Bill Shanley is alleged to have explained in his own way that football was more than a game. He was right. History was being made last Saturday so be proud and look forard to telling your grand children, I was there.
Thanks for Stimson Lee, he was very forgettable, especially in my present state of senility. The ' see you Jimmy ' crack was in the left side of the Gallowgate end, so those hearing it would only have been in that vicinity, but the laughing went on for ages. It must have been passed on like a Mexican wave round the paddock to Leazes to east stand to corner.